seeing my uncleared mind

location: hiding behind my room

mood: scared

    I don't know why I am here in our house, nothing to do and stuffs. Actually when I woke up earlier. Masakit na yung ulo ko which happens really daily na. I don't know why lagi na lang masakit yung ulo ko. Hindi naman ako nag-iisip. Kidding. And three times na akong nag-puke kanina. The first two throw up was just water or juice, whatever but the last one was when I ate a bread which is hindi ko naubos. Sinuka ko yung tablet at yung kakarampot na tinapay na kinain ko. Eeww right?
    Then after I took a bath and I was already wearing my school skirt na. I asked my Mama if I could be absent just for today. She asked why, I answered na masakit yung ulo ko. It's true. Iba yung sakit niya. Not the usual head ache or usual school excuse because I am lazy to go to school. So my parents said okay.
    After some minutes after my school bus left. Parang napaisip ako, bakit ba kasi ako nag-absent?! Ganito naman ako eh. Kapag pinayagan ng mag-absent kapag malapit ng magbell biglang magbabago yung isip. Bwisit.

    I was watching One Tree Hill earlier and there's this one episode about Jimmy Edwards. He's Mouth's bestfriend. Pero nung naging 'popular' na sila Mouth, Lucas and Skills. He was left behind. So dahil sa desperation niya because he is a nobody in Tree Hill High and people always tease him. Napuno na siya so one day he brought a gun in the school. Ayun... everybody was panicking.
    Haley and the others were hiding in the Tutor Center kasi sinusunod nila yung lockdown rules thingy. Jimmy Edwards was with them but they do not know na siya yung may dala ng gun. Nathan followed Haley in the Tutor Center, which, everytime I watch that scene I always get kilig. Wala lang. Because of that Always... and Forever line. hihi. Anyway, paalis na sana sila nun nung sumigaw si Jimmy na huwag silang umalis.
    So the drama goes on... Nagspeech si Jimmy telling to Mouth and others na naging depressed siya nung na-left behind siya nila Mouth. That he is a nobody and he hates the jocks like Nathan. Kinwento niya nung nawala siya for two weeks because nagkasakit siya for overdosing an anti-depressant pills. So when he got back, nobody ever noticed na nagkasakit siya. Nobody ever cared. Nobody missed him.
    Natamaan lang ako... I mean being a nobody in my school is not a big deal for me, okay. But when I thought of tha tI mean nung nag-absent siya and nobody missed him. Parang... ako. They don't care whether I am present or not. Wala lang.

    It just hurt.

Tags: absent

Posted at 12:00 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

location: somewhere there

mood: calm

    Got my first ever Havaianas. Yipee. Last week pa yan pero I never used it. Nakakatakot eh! Ewan ko ba feeling ko masisira kaagad siya eh. hehe. We bought it at Mall Of Asia last week. Siguro if it is just another window shopping day there. Hindi siguro ako ibibili ni Mama. Sakto kasing naghahanap din siya ng bag, gusto niya Burberry na bag pero super mahal nga daw kaya ayaw niya na. Madali kasi siyang magsawa sa bag eh. Ayun... may nabili naman siya at may napasama pang dalawang pair ng sapatos. Iyon talaga yun parang gustong gusto ni Mama eh. Bag at shoes. Sabi nga ni Ate para daw kumikinang yung mga sapatos sa mga store kapag nakikita ni Mama eh. hehe.

    Anyway, wala namang nangyaring special ngayong week. Bukod sa sinabi kong mag-hi ako sa kanya na hindi ko pa rin nagagawa kahit maraming chance. Ayaw kasing lumabas nung word eh. Kaya ayun si Linette nag-hi sa kanya na parang wala lang. How I wish I could do that. Pero kung magagawa ko nga iyon. What will happen kaya? Wala?
    Of course! Sino ba ako sa kanya? Haay. Kaya iyon sila lagi silang may naikukwento tungkol sa kanya. Ako hanggang pangarap na lang at hanggang pakikinig.

    =(

Tags: havainas

Posted at 06:26 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

location: inside the heart of my friends

mood: pleased

music: The Journey

Days have been passing so fast, I can't believe that it's July already and I am a sophomore for a month already. Ang bilis ng panahon. I can't believe that I already spend a year in high school, I started a beautiful foundation in high school. I surpassed all the trials and endeavors that I've been through last year. God made me a strong person. He helped me to be strong in my journey.

Second year high school, new policy and new curriculum. Some things had changed, mighty mighty fourth years are gone now. Our dear Miss Lei has a left turn from her journey and will never be there physically to support me. Life around the school may seem so normal.
    But one student's life inside the school is interesting. Own have her/his ups and downs, sadness and happiness.
    Some may still be adjusting to the untamed surrounding.
    Some were fighting the urge to show their true self.
    Some are still finding their selves.
 Everybody has it's own story. Most already flipped another page in their story book. Some still doubting to start a new chapter in their life.
    We're all confused about our journey. We're all interested to see and ask God about everything.



But all needs an answer.

They were with me all the time. They made me laugh, smile and frown. They give
me strength. Thanks guys.

Tags: journey

Posted at 09:16 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

location: makng my way back to life

mood: grateful

music: Kung Pwede Lang

Dahil sa mga nangyayari at sinasabi sa akin ng mga tao sa paligid ko, ako ay natauhan na. I'm being selfish kahit na hindi ko siya napapansin. Buti  nga at may nakapagsabi eh, Thank to you. You know who you are. Dahil sa iyo natauhan talaga. I should stop doing that dahil ako rin naman ang masasaktan. I know that you're doing to that for my sake.
    Ako rin naman ang nagpush sa kanilang dalawa eh. Sana hindi ako masasaktan kapag may mangyari man sa kanilang dalawa na hindi malabong mangyari. They're fifty percent close na. Si friend at si crush. At ako, I'm happy with my friends. Hindi ko na dapat sila pakialaman pa.

I should be happy with the things I have. ü

Tags: happiness

Posted at 08:04 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

mood: okay

Screening for Fiduciaries lasted for about five to twenty minutes only, for me. Umayaw na nga ako eh. Kung hindi lang talaga kami nahuli nung moderator hindi ako magscreening. So dahil wala na ako sa wisyo magsulat nun. Binaboy ko lang yung pinasa kong article. I assume na hindi talaga ako pasado. So I need to choose a club na. Though gusto ko talagang mag-Fidu.
    Wala talaga tayong magagawa eh. Ganun talaga.

Tags: screening

Posted at 08:06 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Share

mood: irritated

Bakit ba lahat ng tao walang pakialam sa opinyon ko? Samantalang if they're sharing something, lagi akong open ears sa kanila. At sobrang pinapakinggan ko talaga. Pero pag sa akin? Nawawala na yung paki. Parang nagkukwento lang ako sa papel. It's sucks in this kind of situation. Wala kang masabihan dahil yung mga sasabihan mo, walang pakialam.
    Bakit ba hindi na lang nila sabihin? Na wala silang pakialam. Na sa pagiging listener na lang ako. Taga-kinig sa mga problema nila, sa mga happenings sa buhay nila. I'm just that.  
    At sabi pa ng isa, 'okay lang naman iyon eh. na-express mo yung feelings mo'. For God's sake, iyon na nga eh! In-eexpress ko na yung nasa isip ko, it means kailangan ko ng comment mo. Pero hanggang 'haha' 'oh okay'. Nakakainis.
    Where's my friends na lagi kong katawanan? Hanggang doon na lang ba sila? Hanggang kulitan na lang ba sila? At pag dating sa mga problema ko bigla na lang naglalaho.

Kaya nga ba ayokong nagshare eh. Wala rin namang patutunguhan. It sucks.

Tags: sucks

Posted at 05:18 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 2 comments | Add to Memories | Share

location: hiding the last piece of my heart

mood: crushed

I know I'm making a big deal out of this. Pero I can't stop it eh. Can you blame me? Of course not... kahit ako nga ginagawa ko na iyon, hindi pa rin tumitigil eh. Mali bang maging masaya ako? Ewan ko... God just love me. Kaya He's doing this para lalo kaming maging close. Diba? =)

At least may nagawa akong maganda sa kaibigan ko. Nakita ng crush niya na mabait pala siya. Na naisip niyang isoli yung naiwan ni crush sa kanya samantalang hindi naman sila close. But behind those hindi halatang pag-iisip ni crush na mabait pala si friend, another story was created. 

The truth? Ako talaga ang nagkusa na ibalik sa kanya. Ako, si tanga, gave the paper bag to friend. I'm just too good. Ganoon talaga eh. Tsaka siguro meant ng mangyari iyon. Maybe they're meant to be friends... or more than that. 

We don't know.

Tags: too good to be true

Posted at 07:21 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Share

location: hiding the pieces of my heart

mood: confused

Giving up something I never have. I guess that's the worst thing a girl can say to herself. For me... it's the best thing. Why? Dahil hindi na ako masasaktan. I'm always hurting without him knowing anything. It's just a crush, for God's sake. Bakit big deal para sa akin iyon?
    Maybe because... having a crush for me is like... having you're favorite food. I can't resist it. I mean, having a  crush is like an infatuation for me. When I have a 'crush'... nag-iiba ako. And I hate it.

I'm having this crush sa isang guy for one year na malapit ng maging two years. Ang rami kong kalokohang ginawa. When I think about those things, I can say that I'm so childish. Nagpapapansin, giving gifts on Valentines day and forcing him to use it. It's all childish. It all happened back when I was first year high school.    But now?
Still... I'm stopping myself para magustuhan siya. Eh wala naman siyang pinagkaiba sa ibang lalaki eh. Bakit parang siya lang lagi kong nakikita? He's always the most handsome, he's always the most intelligent, lahat ng most na yata, nasa sa kanya.

And now... my friend... I know that she's just stopping herself from having a crush on him. I always told him na okay lang sa akin at wala naman na akong crush sa kanya. But deep inside... alam kong naalarma ako doon. Pero sa totoo lang, it's really okay with me. Promise.

Let's face the truth, may possibility na magustuhan ni crush si friend. My friend is pretty, makulit at mabait. Lagi siyang napapansin ng mga guys, may mga nagkakacrush rin sa kanya.

Pero what will happen if one day nabalitaan ko na may gusto na si crush kay friend?

Tags: crush

Posted at 05:21 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

location: still searching

mood: weird

Okay something weird just happened. As in weird siya. Nagring yung phone namin so syempre ako yung dapat sumagot dahil ako yung pinakamalapit at nasa tabi lang ng computer which is beside lang nung phone. So I answered it. I thought yung PLDT or something na may promo chuva na kapag sinagot mo may tape na ipaparinig sa iyo. So I didn't answer kaagad dahil akala ko iyon nga. So nung wala sumagot na ako na hello. Then the other line replied 'Pwede po ba kay Ana?' So sumagot naman ako kung sino iyon. 'Kaibigan daw ni Kim' So I thought kung sinong Kim. Isa lang naman yung kilala kong Kim eh. At wala kaming koneksyon. 'Sinong Kim?' si Kimberly daw. Tinanong ko kung sinong Kimberly. Hindi naman sinabi at ang pinakaweird eh sabi niya gusto niyang makipagphone pal. Binabaan ko na lang siya. 

Kinabahan talaga ako nun. Sino naman kaya iyon? Malamang nanloloko lang. hmph. Tumawag nga ulit eh, yung katulong na lang yung pinasagot ko. tsk tsk. 

Kung sinoman siya. Bahala siya sa buhay niya!

Tags: calls, phonepal, pranks

Posted at 08:19 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Share

location: finding a way to heaven

mood: melancholy

Habang lumilipas ang araw, parami ng parami ang mga problemang dumarating sa buhay ko. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sa bata kong ito, natitiis ako ng Diyos na magdusa ng ganito. Bata pa ako. Kailangan ko pa ng masayang buhay at hindi puno ng problema. Bakit ganoon? 

Bakit sa tuwing simula ng klase laging may mabibigat na problema? Bakit sabay sabay lahat silang dumarating? Para talaga pahirapan ako? O sadyang ganito lang ang buhay? 

Bakit sa tuwing gustong gusto ko na ang mga kaibigan ko tsaka pa sila isa-isang aalis? Sadya bang malas ako sa mga kaibigan. Dati na rin nangyari sa akin ito. Noong Junior Casa ako, ang bestfriend ko umalis papuntang Japan at ngayo'y wala na kaming komunikasyon. Sumunod naman ang una kong lalaking bestfriend noong Grade 3, nagkalabuan na kami at ngayo'y nasa Canada na siya. Tapos ngayon, kung kailan naghayskul na ako ay may aalis na naman? Ano ba talagang nagawa ko at bakit ganito ang trato ng buhay sa akin? 

Malapit na naman akong sumuko. Pero kapag sumuko naman ako ay wala ring mangyayari sa akin. Wala naman akong magagawa kundi gumising araw araw para harapin ang mga hamon ng mga problema ko. Parte ba ito ng pagsubok ng buhay para maging matapang ako balang araw? 

O ito'y sadyang pahirap lamang?

Tags: problems

Posted at 09:32 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share